jabberous

let's face it

2010-06-16T06:42:00.001-04:00

I am obviously never going to get back to this blog. Follow me on facebook now. Or don't. I know some of you are anti-facebook. Well, I won't beg. Be that way.

duli

2010-02-15T10:37:00.002-05:00

This is a Czech chapter book we saw in Prague. Nobody in the house would ever read it, even if it was in English. But we loved the cover so much we bought it anyway.

elaborate shrines

2009-12-30T19:14:00.003-05:00

There's a small town just outside of Prague. You can get there on the underground, not far. I can't remember the name of the town. Maybe JP will look it up and let us know. In this town is a church, and in that church cemetery are hundreds of uber-chic graves and tombs. This is just a tiny sample. If you ever go to Prague, you should check this out.

My problem was, it was all just way too much. I felt overwhelmed. I knew this would probably be the only time in my life I would ever be in this cemetary, and I wanted to see it all, and I mean really see it, stop at every shrine and take it in. Many of them are very ornate and artistic and detailed. It was just too much. I started to feel weary and the sheer impossibility of the task made it hard for me to just relax and enjoy. So I just went and sat on a warm rock wall in the sun and watched some birds hopping around in a tree.

elf trio

2009-12-27T20:06:00.002-05:00

This is one of two tree stands we saw at the muddy flea market. Ten bucks! Plus the extra buck I spent for a screwdriver to dismantle it so it would fit in our checked bag. But the checked bag was overweight and they were going to charge us A HUNDRED DOLLARS EXTRA, so we had to take some stuff out and put it in our carry-on bags. Go figure. All of the weight ended up on the plane anyway, so what was accomplished?

So I took out the heaviest thing - this metal tree stand, wrapped in a towel, and put it in my shoulder bag. Which had to go through the X-ray screener, which caused the airport cop to pull me aside and say "What's in the bag?" I started to unwrap it, but as soon as he saw the painted elf he said "Oh, OK," and that was that. I never even finished unwrapping it. So here's a tip: If you want to smuggle a metal hatchet blade onto an airplane, just paint it like an elf and you'll float right in.

We used it for a centerpiece on the food table at the Open House party. But I forgot to light the candle. I bet it would have been prettier with the candle lit.

I have no idea where you find trees with trunks skinny enough to fit in that skinny tube. Somewhere in Prague I guess.

dresden

2009-12-24T15:02:00.003-05:00

Brigham and WGC went to Dresden for a couple of days. I stayed behind in Prague. Here are some pics Brigham took. The "crafty" wooden chandeliers are a traditional folk art there. I did not know that. Did you? Now WGC wants me to make a "crafty wooden" chandelier. Er, uh, I'll get right on that!

old photo of jewish street scene

2009-12-22T19:15:00.002-05:00

This is hanging on the wall of the Kafka Bar in the Jewish section of Old Town, the oldest part of the oldest part of Prague. I took a photo of it, intending to use it as inspiration for a scene I was going to paint on the wooden casing that I built to seal over the air conditioner. I used to cover the OUTSIDE of the AC with plastic every winter, but it's very high up in a second floor window. Climbing the ladder, positioning myself around the AC, taping and sealing, climbing back down, going back up the other side where you can't even lean the ladder flat against the wall due to assorted obstructions - it's a dangerous pain in the neck! So this year I created an INDOOR solution! And I was going to paint a scene on it to spruce it up some...

I ended up painting it barn red and tacking a cardboard Santa Claus on it. Maybe I'll paint a scene on it "next year"!

strange taxidermy

2009-12-21T22:09:00.001-05:00

This is hanging on the wall in a fancy deli near Charles Bridge.

public toilet

2009-12-20T09:45:00.003-05:00

WGC collects pics of important people with pigeons on their heads. (But this one just happens to be a gull, I think...)

good luck

2009-12-19T18:19:00.002-05:00

Rub the dog, and other areas of certain plaques and statues on Charles Bridge, for good luck. The ass of the lady in confession appears to have some limited good luck power.

hedgehog

2009-12-18T07:08:00.002-05:00

WGC just had to have it. It was pretty good, but not as great as she thought it would be, nor as great as I thought it would be. It was basically chocolate-covered cake. I don't know what we were expecting, but I think I imagined it more chewy and less cakey.

money wheel

2009-12-17T18:39:00.002-05:00

On the wall near the gorgeous pizza oven...

gorgeous pizza oven

2009-12-16T20:22:00.001-05:00

in a pizza joint near Charles Bridge

der super-spender

2009-12-15T20:33:00.003-05:00

We were in a restaurant. WGC went to the loo. She came back and said they had one of those giant t.p. roll dispensers on the wall with a cartoon character on it named Big Willy. And she said "Go get a picture!"

So I did.

try my delicious meat!

2009-12-13T06:33:00.002-05:00

Compelling invitation to eat

schindler's lift

2009-12-11T18:29:00.002-05:00

shark!

2009-12-10T20:51:00.003-05:00

Here's the shark that never ate his little tankmates in the hotel lobby tank. Little tankmates are hard to see in this jpg, so I circled all I could find. Click to embiggen.

little wooden television

2009-12-09T16:49:00.005-05:00

appears to be what's left of some kind of larger artsy installation along the top edge of this subway entrance

you must be this tall to enter

2009-12-08T17:37:00.002-05:00

Ha ha! WGC does not even come close!

just call me mr. full of baloney

2009-12-07T20:47:00.003-05:00

Dammit, after all my bitching about graffiti, I have to go and fall in love with this face. And after all my whining about Juxtapoz and modern art museums etc "promoting graffiti", I have to go and post this on my blog.

Just look at it. How can you not love it???

In principal, I know that it may very well be "garbage" to some people, perhaps the little old lady who lives in the second floor apartment and has to see this God-awful thing leering at her every time she steps out for a walk. In principal, I know that I cannot arbitrate beauty, so I have to say I would vote to smack the artist just like any other tagger.

But I can't help it. I love that face.

subway eat fresh

2009-12-07T06:16:00.002-05:00

original bambino praga

2009-12-06T14:53:00.001-05:00

The story of The Infant of Prague

ok, one last "touristy" pic

2009-12-05T06:55:00.002-05:00

I just think it's funny that me and Brigham look so "Eyew! Don't sit by me!" in this pic. We like each other just fine! That's the statue of Jan Hus that looks over Old Town square, and yes, I am wearing white socks, as I always do 24/7 except when I am bathing or otherwise barefoot. Dyes make my feet break out in horrible hives you don't wanta hear about!

rare wgc sighting

2009-12-04T19:44:00.003-05:00

Farmer's market in Old Town. The color of the fruits and veggies was really striking in real life. The camera did not really capture the glory of the produce, and all those other dang people got in the way...

Still, that's a great pic of WGC!

marzipan is big in prague

2009-12-03T19:29:00.002-05:00

I love the fact that you can still find lots of stuff like this in Prague that is not based on huge megamedia characters like Shrek and Hannah Montana. The little black mole in the back is a licensed character that is very popular in Prague, but as far as I know the rest are just cute anonymous characters.

my connection to usa

2009-12-02T07:46:00.002-05:00

The free hotel lobby computer (and the free hotel lobby TV, that I actually saw people sit and watch! In PRAGUE!)

museum of communism is here

2009-12-01T06:27:00.000-05:00

I'm lovin it! Dana McG's favorite museum ever, The Museum of Communism located over a McDonald's Restaurant. Capitalism 1, Communism 0.

the muddy flea market

2009-11-30T06:58:00.003-05:00

There was nothing wrong with the camera. It really was that wet and foggy.

some jewish building

2009-11-29T09:07:00.002-05:00

Beautiful building tucked into a narrow street out near the train station. You have to scrunch back into a doorway to get it all in the camera viewfinder. Surely there were not tall unspectacular buildings so close across the street when this was built (?). What a shame it is hidden away now.

i can't explain it either

2009-11-28T17:20:00.002-05:00

look out, kids!

2009-11-27T12:33:00.002-05:00

WGC noticed the cute kids on this sign and snapped a pic. Only just now, as I was making the jpg for this blog, did I notice the menacing worm crawling up the pole. Drama abounds.

creepy hands!

2009-11-25T10:35:00.000-05:00

The restaurant had several of these "clamshell" indents in the walls, and each one was lit and contained a painting by this artist who has trouble with hands. The tangent of the wine bottle and the wiggly elbow add to the mystery.

The lighting was not actually this garish. I must have had the camera settings wrong.

up up and away

2009-11-24T11:56:00.003-05:00

I saw this little feller in a shop window and told WGC "Wait - I gotta get a photo of that for Keough!" Keough is my panda-loving friend. The clouds reflecting in the display window glass were just a little magical bonus.

the fence of locks

2009-11-23T19:57:00.002-05:00

This iron fence has a lot of locks on it. I can't remember why. I think somebody explained it to me once, the first time I went to Prague, years ago. I'm just not sure.

cocoa

2009-11-23T19:40:00.003-05:00

It's a crappy picture, but I love it because it's her last picture. Cocoa went to puppy heaven a week ago.

This picture is blurry because she did not want to come out of her office. She had 3 offices. (1) Between the toilet and the bathtub, (2) in the chair in the back bedroom, and this one - (3) under the couch in the living room. Every time I'd get her in frame and looking good, she'd duck back under the couch. So I finally stopped pestering her and left her to tend to her filing, or whatever she was doing under there. We were never really sure.

She sure was a wonderful girl. ♥

amphibian pianist

2009-11-22T19:17:00.002-05:00

at the Bric-a-Brac shop

hushabye

2009-11-21T06:26:00.001-05:00

another great pic by Brigham

absinth beetle

2009-11-20T19:36:00.002-05:00

The picture Brigham took through a shop window, plus an image I found online that more clearly shows the giant hideous beetle in every bottle. I have to assume they have some giant hideous beetle farm where they grow the poor monsters in order mass produce this product.

squeaky

2009-11-19T16:52:00.001-05:00

Here's the demented squeaky toy I got at the Flea Market for 10k (50 cents).

sexy xmas

2009-11-18T05:36:00.002-05:00

This pic was taken by Brigham. A lot of these pics are gonna be Brigham pics. Brigham takes some great pics!

world's greatest cook

2009-11-17T20:17:00.000-05:00

hard-boiled pumpie

2009-10-31T14:40:00.001-04:00

I was just sitting here eating my second bag of Smartfood White Cheddar Popcorn and wishing I had a butler to walk the 20 yards from me to the Coke machine when she walked in.

She looked and smelled like Marketing, but on her it looked and smelled just fine. I'd seen her around, at the coffee cart, a glimpse of her leg disappearing into the Info Systems Dept, her eye sizing me up from across the cafeteria, darting away the second she saw me see her see me. Sometimes I wondered if she made enough money to buy clothes. The quality was there, but the quantity was Barely Dress Code, even on Casual Friday.

"I hear you're the best, Martin" she oozed. "I hear you can make two colors look like three." She glided into my cubicle like she was skating on Crisco in slo-mo — until her heel caught on my Super Jumbo Design Marker and her perfect can flew up to just the right height and distance for my computer bifocals. The tiny Hello Kitties on her panties peeked out from beneath her skirt, as if to say "I meant to do that" before crashing into my lap.

"I - I need your help!" she stammered.

"I need a coke to wash down this popcorn, Sweetheart," I told her. "See if you can make it to the Coke machine and back without losing your Hello Kitties, and we'll talk."

My name is Pumpie. I'm a graphic designer. I've got the scars to prove it. Some you can see, some... well, let's just say you gotta love this job. Like a moth loves a flame.

Her Wonder® Bread buns took turns getting smaller as she walked away, left, right, left, right...

Watching those buns reminded me of something my friend Eden once told me. "Hello Kitty is so last year!" What the hell is that supposed to mean? Every time I stand close to Eden I get high from somebody's grandmother's marijuana smoke trapped in the fabric of her thrift-store hippie clothes. And what's wrong with that? What's "this year" in panty patterns anyway? The Cleveland Show? No thanks, none for me!

Women are funny. Yeah, funny like a kneaded eraser through the heart, pushing in soft at first, then tearing and ripping slowly, bloody, messy. Not like an X-acto knife, swift and clean. More like a can of Benzine thinner poured into an IV infusion bag, slowly drip drip dripping.

Thinking about Benzine in an IV bag and the danger of smoking around such things made me want a cigarette, and that just reminded me you can't smoke a cigarette anywhere anymore. Is it any wonder a hard-boiled designer like me is drawn to Hello Kitty? The 21st century is chickified!

I was about to punch my fist through my cubicle wall and grab the guy in the next cubicle and choke him to death just to blow off some steam, when Marketing showed up with my Coke. "I picked this can out just for you," she purred. "Cold and hard."

Technically she was right. The Coke was a few degrees colder than room temp, and the micromillimeter can was hard before I bit it.

I like to drink my Coke and get it over with. Life's too short to "Enjoy a refreshing Coke." I've got it down to a science. In one swift action I tilt my head back, raise the can to my mouth, bite a hole in the bottom of the can, pop the top and shotgun it. Takes about a second. I like the way the bite-shaped shards of aluminum cut my lips and get stuck in my throat on the way down. Makes a man feel alive.

I smashed the can into my forehead and left it there. I turned to Marketing, who I assume was assuming her most seductive poses. They were pretty good. I've seen worse.

"So," I said, trying not to growl, "I hear you hear I'm the best. Now tell me who's been going around talking about me."

"I don't have all day, Mr. Pumpie," she pouted. She traced the can on my forehead with a manicured finger. "It would be easier to tell you who's NOT going around talking abou—"

I grabbed her wrist and held it fast in my vice-like Kung Fu pencil grip. "Look, Sister, let's get one thing straight. I'm a happily-married man who doesn't do happy, and when The World's Greatest Cook dies I'm marrying a certain ex-Secretary of State. Let's just keep it clean and you tell me what brings an innocent skirt like you down here to the wrong side of the building, and nobody gets hurt, see?"

Unbuttoning two more buttons of her blouse, she reached between her heaving pillows and pulled out... the Horror!

I've seen some ugly things in this hell hole. I've seen a big fat swollen Iced Hunny Bun sit in the vending machine E7 slot until it turned 15%cyan/5%magenta/30%yellow/12%black, and tiny little gnat things fluttered around inside the wrapper. I've seen a young mother's slender fingers turn to petrified branches from clutching a Wacom pen and tweaking bezier curves to earn money and feed her baby. But nothing prepared me for what came from Marketing's bosom.

"Put that away," I heard a steady, firm voice say, as my mind screamed "MAKE IT STOP BAD BAD! MUST BE NIGHTMARE, MUST WAKE UP!!!" Cold sweat formed a mighty glacier on the back of my neck as that steady, firm voice said "Now. Put it away now." I realized the voice was coming from me. Even under enormous mental trauma, my body is a machine, a problem-solving unrelent-o-matic.

As I saw the repugnant thing slide back from whence it came I was reminded of a surinam toad backing into a litter of day-old puppies. How could something so disgusting exist in the same universe as something so cuddly, never mind in the same barely-fastened blouse? Why did I get up that morning? I couldn't seem to get a good grip on the floor. "Where did you get that?" I asked.

My head started to clear and my sense of color and dimension was returning. I could hear Marketing's voice through a cloud. I knew the answer, even before she said it, even before I asked, even before that— that THING offended every atom of every shred of my soul.

"Promo. Promo worked it up."

(2 days go by)

It's true I'm a bad mofo who eats nails for breakfast. If we're out of railroad spikes. And I'm going to finish telling you about that Marketing/Promo thing.

Like I said, I'm a badass designer, and that's a fact. But when I try to write about that Promo mock-up I get cold and nauseous, and I think this must be what a dame feels like when she has morning sickness, if Hitler knocked her up.

I'll get over it. Just give me another day or two. I'm a trainload of dynamite, I ain't a nucular bomb!

(2 more days go by)

It was ugly. You're just going to have to take my word for it. I can't talk about it.

Everything Promo does is ugly. That's an understatement. You know the cellar under the understatement? You know the hole in the corner of the cellar where the water collects if there's a problem, and the sump pump pumps it out? You know the petrified dinosaur turd in the mud under that hole? You know the muddier mud, under that turd?

To say that saying the monstrosity lurking in Marketing's bosom was that low of an understatement would be heaping undeserved praise upon it. Even by Promo substandards, that thing was the reddest-headest of the blackest of step-sheep.

"It's our Bold New Image for the Business-to-Business Inter-Intra-Sales & Strategy Campaign Conference! The BBIISSC!" Marketing looked frantic. Her eyes of liquid black chrome grew larger. LARGER! Trembling, she whispered "I think it's sabotage! You've got to—UKK" I cut her off with a swift chop to her uvula. "SH!" I shushed. "Smell that?"

Little clouds of rainbow unicorn prostitute smell had been billowing about the cubicle ever since Marketing showed up.

They tell them not to wear that stuff down there, but they all wear it. Tell Billy Mays not to yell. I mean before he died. Tell Billy Mays not to yell, see how that works out for you. Same thing. Tell Marketing not to wear perfume? It's like Nancy Reagan telling kids to Just Say No!

Other Designers whip out their nosegays and go into a swoon whenever perfume or Spra-Mount or an uncapped ballpoint pen is within shouting distance. Buncha sissies. I say "Bring it on!" I love a challenge and what does not kill me only makes me stronger. My nosehairs, my olfactory cortex, my mucus membrane - every part of me is just as pumped and stoked as my fingers of fury or my deadline-defying iron buttocks.

I detected a hint of something slightly less feminine in the air. Not at all masculine, but not entirely 100% Strawberry Slutcake. As if their pimp had brushed his fingers through the mane of one of the rainbow unicorn prostitutes before he opened the gate and sent them out into the world. I detected it through the fog, advancing toward me, lingering, starting to fade—

As if constructed of atomic gears and pistons powered by the energy of the Big Bang, I sprang to action. I grabbed Marketing's shoulders, forced her to her knees, leapt up onto her shoulders so I could see over the cubicle wall just in time to see the man's leg disappear through the doorway and out of the department. Using Marketing's youthful torqued body as my springboard, I was over the cubicle wall and across the room faster than you can say "It's a bird! It's a plane! It's PUMPIE!!!"

Dammit! He was gone

Only an instantaneous time-negative teleportater could have delivered me back to my cubicle faster than my own two legs.

Marketing lay on the floor, unable to breathe, gasping and flailing. Her skin had turned 33% cyan / 40% magenta / 8% yellow. No black. Just like a skirt to panic and collapse in a crisis, but damned if she didn't look sexy kicking and clawing at the neutral gray cubicle walls. A woman can add such color and flair to a tiny gray cubicle. A girl like that— SMACKO! I slapped myself so hard my face fell off. "Get ahold of yourself, man! You're happily married!"

Sans further ado, I snatched up my Super Jumbo Design Marker and ripped off the cap. I inhaled deeply, drawing in 97% of the available air from the department and causing several co-workers to faint. Placing my Super Jumbo Design Marker to my lips like an Amazon blowgun, I exhaled mightily, blowing the metal bottom, the toxic black contents of the tube and the massive felt tip through the skull of the Assistant Art Director and her monitor. Call it a mercy killing. That PowerPoint presentation she was designing was killing her slowly anyway. I just ended her suffering.

I took the now-hollow Jumbo Marker tube and forced it down Marketing's throat, thus opening her trachea and allowing her to breathe. "Ank you," she said. "Ank you 'o mutt! Youh 'o 'twoh an kyeh-wuh. I cou-uh kihh you!"

I carefully slid the Jumbo Marker tube back out of her throat, so she could open and close her mouth and stop jabbering like an idiot. "How's that?" I asked, being ever the gentleman and concerned for a lady's comfort. "Are you breathing okay now?"

She threw her arms around my neck and kissed me, the intoxicating bouquet of toluene and xylene coaxing us both to the floor, to paradise, to that little place up under my desk where nobody can see unless they actually walk inside my cubicle and bend over.

I grabbed her neck and extracted her lips from mine with a sonic THWOK. "Okay, Sweetheart, talk," I demanded. "Whose feet were those flying out of here 45 seconds ago?"

"I don't know! I don't know!" she wailed. "What kind of shoes?"

"Wha - wh -" I sputtered. "NICE shoes! Pretty-boy shoes! I think they were black. Maybe dark brown, something dark..."

Let me interrupt myself and explain something to anyone who thinks designers notice shoes. Down here in the trenches we don't have time to follow fashion. "Shoes" are those things you put on your feet when it's cold or you have to go out of the house. You wear them until they won't stay on any more, or they leak when it rains. Then you throw them away and you have to pay money to buy another pair. It's a distraction and time-wasting pain in the keester, like a colonoscopy, but like a colonoscopy, it's just one of those things besides designing / illustrating that you have to do.

A light went off in my head. A sudden realization, an epiphany. Nice shoes. YES! They were NICE shoes!

"Who was he? No more games, Milton Bradley!" It was time to introduce Miss Marketing to Mr. Bad Cop. "Only a ninnyboy from your side of the building would waste his scratch on those foot flowers. What are the odds that two of you petunias would sprout down here in the onion patch right next to each other, at the same time? Just what are you trying to pull off here?"

She pulled off her blouse.

I was just reaching into my cabinet drawer for a Sexual Harassment Complaint Form when she produced the document she had sewn inside her blouse. "Put that back on, Sweetheart," I told her as I read the doc. "It doesn't cover you up very well, but it's trying harder than that ribbon of a bra!"

She looked so helpless and vulnerable there in her “too sexy? / sexy enough?” worksuit / mantrap.

I know it’s tough for a dumb kid like her, trying to pay the rent and keep her wheels on the road. Running up against stone walls like me who’ve felt a soft vine cling to us, flattered ourselves that we deserve something pretty hanging off of us, clinging to us, only to realize her little tendrils are secreting a sticky resin that adheres to almost any substrate, in this case the cement that holds our rocks together and keeps us from crumbling to the ground in a lumpy pile. Clustered adventitious roots form in pairs on either side of her vascular bundle at the 2nd to 3rd internodes of her young stems. After emergence through the cortex and epidermis, her root hairs stick together forming the tiny microscopic adhesive pads that cling to a guy between his rocks and dissolve his cement. If you know what I mean. It ain’t like she wants to destroy the guy. It’s just what happens. She falls for the guy. Too much. One minute the guy’s standing tall and proud with a beautiful foliage draped across his massive flat chest, and the next minute he’s a pile of rocks crushing a poor girl underneath him with stars in her eyes fading to blackest black frozen ultimate death.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was feeling bad for this poor little chippy who was obviously caught up in a sausage grinder with no emergency exit. The lines I read between the lines of her smuggled document told me all I needed to know.

“Uh, look, uh, Marketing” I began, trying to stop myself. My old man’s words were pounding on the back door of my skull. My old man, the hard-boiledest hard-boiled designer this old world has ever seen, or ever will see, if it’s lucky. My old man, who once pulled three all-nighters in one afternoon, was kicking down the back door of my skull, shouting at me “Don’t do it, boy!"

"What did I always tell you, you ding-blasted chewed-off little eraser?" he bellowed. "Women and puppies is all the same! Don’t ever name one or it’ll git inside yer heart an’ snuggle down and you’re stuck with it forever! Dog and Woman, them’s the only two names you need to know! Don’t ever ask ‘em what to call ‘em, just call ‘em Hey You! An’ if their ears is too long an’ floppy, chop some off an’ rub a little Green Salve on ‘em an’ they’ll be good as new! An’ don’t let ‘em in the house! Leave ‘em out in the yard so they can scratch their fleas an’ pee! Are you listenin’? NO NAMES, BOY!”

“Yes?” she cooed, her head tilted as if professionally posed for a subliminally sexual advertisement.

“Well,” I said, “The thing is, I don’t exactly know your name. I can’t just keep calling you Marketing because if I’m going to help you we’ll start getting confused as to the point of am I talking about you, or am I talking about the department, see? So I was just wondering if you had a name and if you’d care to spit it out now, that’s all.”

“Luste with an ‘e’,” dripped from her lips like honey from a bee’s butt. “Lots of girls spell it with an ‘i’ now, to be different from all the girls that spell it with a ‘y’. But I wanted to be different from the “i” girls, so I spell it with an ‘e’. That’s my name, Luste Bedroom,” she confided, as I realized the slightly less than feminine smell had once again returned and my rack of razor-sharp rulers, triangles and french curves was hurtling toward my head.

Razor-sharp metal objects hurtling toward my head didn't really bother me. The problem was this:
Scrunched up under my desk the way we were, there was not a whole lot of difference in the area occupied by my head vs the area occupied by the head of Luste with an 'e'. Quickly calculating the trajectory of each razor-sharp object, I deduced that eight of them would strike my head, while a full battery of fifteen missiles would fill the remaining area underneath the desk where my body and Luste's body were intertwined. Not to mention Luste's head. Six of the ersatz weapons were doomed to strike non-fleshy objects in my cubicle.

At this point you may think it noble of me to be more concerned for the safety of a Marketing Bimbo I had just met than for the future of my own head. After all, with no head there would be no me! And with no me... you don't want to think about that.

But the plain and simple fact is, I was in no danger. Over the years, as I have cut myself or been cut by dastardly machinery, my body has evolved a dozen times a dozen generations' worth of mutations. If I am cut, the area of my body where the blade entered is completely healed by the time the blade exits, and the exit wound disappears within nanoseconds.

Last week, Tuesday I think, I was so busy throwing horny intern applicants out of my cubicle, and they were coming at me so fast and furious, I tripped over one of them. As I fell toward the floor, my right arm (my drawing arm!!!) went under the paper cutter blade. My body struck the blade's handle, and the blade sliced through my arm. It's pretty hard to cut through a human bone, as you may know if you ever seen an autopsy. But I struck the handle with such Herculean force, even my own diamond-hard skeleton was no match for the descending blade.

Less than a second later, my arm was replaced, much like a lizard's tail will return, only faster. I used my fresh new arm and hand to pick up the discarded arm and use it as a club, subduing the horde of interns. I gave the arm to the last standing intern, a trophy for her stamina and perseverance. I saw it on ebay earlier this morning. She's selling it, the opportunistic bitch! Try to do them a favor and what do you get? Heartache!

So anyway, I'm laying there on the floor underneath my desk intertwined with Luste and there's all these things flying at us, see, and I'm thinking "What can I do? No matter how lightning fast I move, Luste is going to be sliced and diced before I can position my body in front of hers as a shield, or get her out from under this desk and out of Ground Zero."

Hmmm... what to do???

(to be continued...)

PETA 4

2009-09-24T19:38:00.001-04:00

and the final PETA painting makeover.

Next: Gnatrat

30. If four blades is better than three, my new 30-blade razor will kick Schick's 4-blade razor's ass!

2009-09-23T04:53:00.003-04:00

To celebrate the 30th Anniversiday of Pithy Posts, I am unveiling my New 30-Blade Skin-Tone® Pumpie Razor. I know you are going to want to order one immediately, but please be patient. They will be in the "impulse items" at the checkout lanes of stores all over North America, South America and the EU soon. Negotiations with Australia look promising. Terrorist sponsoring nations and Third World countries with no money, screw you.

Here's how the New 30-Blade Skin-Tone® Pumpie Razor. works!

The first twenty blades simply glide by the whisker and mind their own business. Three or four random blades may tip their hat, or nod agreeably as they pass by. The whisker thus becomes accustomed to blades gliding by, and no longer acts tense or guarded when blade #21 approaches.

Additionally, reconnaissanace is performed, and strategic information is is radioed back to blades 21 - 30 on a discreet blades-only frequency using a secret code that klannot klossibly kle klunderstood kly kle klisker.

Blade #21 glides by too - but quickly ducks behind the whisker and kneels like a dog.

Blade #22 suddenly pushes the whisker backwards. The whisker's knees fold as it hits Blade #21, disorienting and unbalancing the whisker.

As the whisker is trying to regain its composure, Blade #23 pulls the brim of the whisker's hat down over its eyes.

Blade #24 grabs the whisker and pulls it backward, pulling its tender roots up above the skin line.

Blade #25 cuts into and grabs the tender roots, pulling them still further up.

Blade #26 slices through the tender roots, and the whisker and the tender rots are dragged away, screaming. Doomed. No mercy is shown, no quarter given.

Blade #27 drops a tiny napalm bomb into the root cavity, cauterizing the wound and preventing any further follicular activity.

Blade #28 spackles over the hole with our patented Skin-Tone® Spackling Compound.

Blade #29 buffs and polishes the spackled area to a smooth lustre.

Blade #30 invokes a Gypsy Zombie Werewolf Curse on the whisker's entire ancestry and progeny. That whisker will never bother you again, even if you travel back in time!

I know you are excited. So am I!!!

14,970 to go.

peta 4

2009-09-16T19:28:00.001-04:00

coming soon...

For more info go here.

peta 3

2009-09-16T19:27:00.005-04:00

peta 2

2009-09-16T19:27:00.002-04:00

peta 1

2009-09-16T19:26:00.002-04:00

okay, let's try this

2009-09-06T18:19:00.002-04:00

I have not forgotten to post Daily Pithy Posts here the last couple of days. I stopped using posterous for reasons I won't explain (I'm tired and it's boring).

Here's a link to an album I just started on facebook. I'm just testing the link to see if it is truly "public" so leave a comment and let me know if it works for you facebook haters. Just curious. I'll probably post the paintings here too, where they can be bigger and better.

Who washes the soap?

2009-09-04T06:12:00.001-04:00

14,988 to go

Posted via email from mark's posterous

PP11: Vampires are the new - wait a minute. I was going to say vampires are the new paperback romance novel book cover, but that's not exactly new. They've been that for a long time.

2009-09-03T05:21:00.001-04:00

So let me just say True Blood sucks. That's not exactly pithy, so let me add: Writing pith does not finish paintings.

Posted via email from mark's posterous

There are two kinds of people in the world. The ones who say "swine flu" and the ones who say "the swine flu".

2009-09-02T06:26:00.001-04:00

addendum: and the ones who point that out, and the ones who don't! ~ A tip o' the Pithy Post Ten hat to Laurie!

Posted via email from mark's posterous

Give a man a fish and he'll come back later expecting a whale. Teach a man to fish and you can sell him bait forever.

2009-09-01T05:39:00.001-04:00

pithy post 9

Posted via email from mark's posterous

doodled by the scanner while scanning Green-Grey Sponge-Suit Sushi Turtles text

2009-08-31T12:10:00.001-04:00

Posted via email from mark's posterous

Rick Grimes' elegant solution to Pithy Post #4:

2009-08-31T06:10:00.001-04:00

'You' hook up one eye and leave the other eye free for viewing the highly dubious & sanity-challenging results.

Thanks, Rick! I will!

Posted via email from mark's posterous

8:

2009-08-31T06:00:00.001-04:00

I'm Pithy the Eighth, I am! Pithy the Eighth I am , I am! MOST things are beautiful, but not EVERY thing is beautiful. Ironically, the song "Everything is Beautiful" is pretty yucky.

14,992 to go.

Posted via email from mark's posterous

SO ANYWAY!

2009-08-30T11:44:00.002-04:00

jabberous VS facebook problem SOLVED!

Thanks to Colin!

One last bit of cross-platforming, then I gotta go paint:

A week ago I commented on FB about how, according to my calculations, I have roughly 15,000 days left on this earth. Klaroline Klasterine wondered if that meant I would subject the universe to 15,000 more pithy comments.

As you can imagine, that was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. So here they are, so far:

Pithy comment #1:
14,999 to go.

Pithy comment #2:
My cousin was so into playing army one time, he wouldn't go inside to use the toilet, and he ended up crapping his pants. True story. I was the runt of the litter, and I was to go inside and tell his older sister, the OLDEST of the litter, to sneak some clean pants out of the house for him. I remember him getting mad and swearing at her and threatening her that she "better not tell!"

Well, this story goes on and on, or it could, and I could reminisce about how I was thinking to myself at the time "What are you getting mad at her for, YOU crapped your pants!" but also feeling ...

I just got a notification that "Marek Bennett just commented on your status", so I better cut this short, and go ahead and explain what makes this pithy:

My cousin was so busy playing army he crapped his pants. See? It's like a little metaphor for human history!

14,998 to go.

#3:
Tolstoy didn't need an avatar to get his point across. And I don't need a pot to pith in.

14,997 to go

pithy post 4:
You could biologically or electronically somehow wire someone else's eyeballs into your optic nerve, so that you could truly look yourself in the eye, not just a reflection or a photograph - but the eyes you would be looking into would be disconnected, so that the eyes you are using could be hooked up, so why bother?
I'd rather be biologically or electronically somehow wired to a bird's eyes! So I could see what it is like to have a huge field of vision, and see what is behind me. And have extreme focusing powers so I could see a mouse in a field 100 yards away!

You know, just in case you were wondering what to get me for Christmas...

14,996 to go

#5 of 15,000 - collect them all:
You can lead a horse to water, but staying on land and going AROUND the lake will probably work better.

#6:
Some days you pith all over yourself, and some days you just don't feel pithy at all.

14,994 to go

Pithapalooza 7:
When I pick up my cat, she feels light as a feather. When I awake at 3:00 am and she is sitting on my hip, it feels like a boulder is crushing me. She ain't heavy, Father. Until 3:00 am!

14,993 to go

...

posterous test

2009-08-30T11:15:00.001-04:00

via posterous

Posted via email from mark's posterous

testing... testing...

2009-08-30T09:08:00.002-04:00

I migrated all my files etc from the ancient e-mac to a newer G5. Now I'm testing and de-bugging Fetch connections etc. Here's a pic I just uploaded. It's a screen shot from Facebook, to reassure all FB resisters that you can live without it.

The new computer is awesome, but there's always tons of bugs to fix after a migration. The most unexpected one so far - the speaker on this thing sounds like a transistor radio. I gotta get some external speakers! That probably won't be too expensive, just a hassle. The upside is, the G5 runs very quiet. The old eMac had relatively good stereo speeakers, but the cooling fan was so loud it was kind of pointless to use it to play music.

Here's some more news:

you will not be assimilated

2009-08-26T11:55:00.001-04:00

On resistance to facebook:

If it's all the chatter, you can hide it.

If it's reluctance to sign up because you don't want to be rude to family, old friends etc when you fail to accept their request for friendship, use an alias.

If it's just stubborn resistance to something you don't want to do - Hey, I'm the same way! Screw it! If I don't wanta do it, I don't do it!

THANKS to everybody for your input, especially the new stuff I did not know, like Posterous. I will check into that when I have time to explore. And the stuff I have not thought of, like jabberous showing up in google searches and facebook possibly not showing up.

In other news - I'm re-vamping some old paintings, and will be posting here soon.

facebook vs blogger

2009-08-23T06:31:00.003-04:00

Thanks to everybody who made the effort to leave a comment and let me know you exist!

I'm not necessarily trying to decide which to keep and which to drop. Both services have their good points and their bad points.

Blogger bad points:
Signing in and going to the dashboard to post
Relatively few people actually go there
Inability to group art etc into albums
Having to use "captcha" to comment
Some of my friends and associates won't go there, even if I put a link on facebook.

Blogger good points:
All signal, no noise
larger, cleaner images
larger, cleaner messages
I have met some interesting and friendly people there
It's all about ME!

Facebook bad points:
crappy reduced, lo-res images
tiny posts
lots of noise vs signal
some of my friends and associates won't go there

Facebook good points:
lots of activity
I have met MORE interesting and friendly people there (quantity, not quality)
ability to group art etc into albums
I actually sold a lot of art there

Those last two Facebook good points are pretty powerful incentives to stay there. Facebook seems to be the only place where things happen for me right now. I was not even trying to sell art there, just started creating an album, and people started asking if the art was for sale. I sold it all at insanely low prices, so that explains why it all sold. But it DID sell, and when I posted about it on jabberous, I got exactly one inquiry and exactly one sale.

I'm not totally into this sort of thing for the money - in fact money is definitely not my main focus in social networking. But facebook beats jabberous for interacting with people too!

AND SO! From now until the paradigm shifts, I'm only going to use jabberous to post occasional hi-res pics.

My daily jabbering will be at facebook. If you like to check in here at jabberous every day, I'd love it if you'd follow me over there. If you hate "being on facebook" here is an idea:

Create a fake profile on facebook
Email me at lasagnalagna-at-yahoo-dot-com and tell me what the fake name is
Send me a friend request on facebook, using the fake name account.
Go to facebook instead of jabberous daily. All you will see is my posts, so it will be just like jabberous.

DISCLAIMER: I don't really have such a huge ego that I expect people to actually do all that just to read my posts. I'm just throwing out an idea for anybody who said "I hope you don't kill jabberous."

Feel free to explain to me why I should do things differently. But understand that I have my own goals, schedules etc that have to be considered.

I need to de-clutter my life.

this is a test

2009-08-20T07:15:00.004-04:00

facebook friends: if you actually clicked the link on FB to come here, please leave a comment on FB. It can just be "hi" - anything at all. But not the "you like this" button, please. I will not be counting the "like"s.

jabberous visitors: please leave a comment in the jabberous comments section. It can just be "hi" - anything at all.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH! This will help me immensely in a difficult decision-making process.

Click dragon to embiggen...

thanks!

2009-08-17T20:02:00.000-04:00

seldom gay

2009-08-12T16:21:00.001-04:00

This is for the "Around the USA" book.
It's not for sale.

i'm exhausted

2009-08-05T20:16:00.002-04:00

Just thought I'd pop in and say SOMEthing here. I'm busy doing all kinds of "administrative" work on some (potential!) book collections. It's kind of maddening and frustrating to have to do all that when I'd rather be drawing, but that's what's eating up a lot of my time lately. It's boring tedious stuff, and I don't want to get on here and blog about drudgery, but I just did. So shoot me.

Politics has been on my mind a lot lately, but I don't want to get on here and rant and rave like SOME PEOPLE I KNOW did for the previous 8 years, especially since 99% of the readers of this blog disagree with me. Why bother? Why argue?

I've been "bacheloring" for 11 days while The World's Greatest Cook house-sits for a neighbor and I have had it up to here with cat litter! That's her job! She promised she'd do it when she got the damn cat and by God I'm holding her to it! But while I'm bacheloring I can't very well just let it overflow, now can I? It will all be over at 10:00 pm tonight when she returns, and not a moment too soon. As you can see, my normally cheerful outlook has reached Hatey Smurf level!

Hey, this guy Miles Fisher has a new 4-song EP that you can download for FREE, and 3 of the songs are awesome in my book. There you go, how's that for something that is not Hatey? Go get it! You may like it too. I am too grouchy to find the link now, but you can google it up. Also check out his video that mashes up a Talking Heads song (I forgot the title) and faux American Psycho footage. It's amazingly well-done.

The heat and humidity of the Dog Days of Summer piss me off. If you think I'm grouchy now, you should have seen me when I lived in Alabama where it is hotter and humider.

I'm finishing up a good book-on-tape. "Pagan Babies" by Ellmore Leonard, read by Steve Buscemi. Anybody want it next? First come, first served. Free to the first person who promises me something equally neat in return. So I guess that's not exactly "free" but come on, I'm not going to package and mail this thing to the first bum who says "I want it" for nothing! What's in it for ME?!?

This damn heat and humidity makes me feel like I'm about to vomit.

calling all cars! calling all cars!

2009-08-01T17:45:00.003-04:00

Be on the lookout for "Crimefighter", Jed Alexander's new comic book. Appearing at APE con, if not sooner. Mostly comics by Jed, plus a couple of surprises by Rick Grimes and me. I created this imprint for the cover. Jazzy, huh? It's corporate, yet funny!

why i don't jabber lately

2009-07-28T06:41:00.002-04:00

A couple of people have asked what's up with this blog, where is the blogginess, why just art now?

Two things. I'm obsessed with organizing my massive and massively un-organized electronic files now, and actually creating art. Those are the two things I want to be doing in my "spare time". I'm glad to say that I have made lots of progress in the organizing, and am close to packaging some book collections. And glad that I actually started AND COMPLETED a huge 50-states-plus project so far this summer.

The second thing is: Other than that, not a whole lot is happening right now to blog about.

for a friend's daughter

2009-07-27T19:52:00.003-04:00

intimidate your colon!

2009-07-25T08:13:00.001-04:00

florida enjoys 1,200-mile coast, year-round mild climate

2009-07-25T08:10:00.002-04:00

Here's a straggler I neglected to post here (thanks, Bill!) I have to say a disagree with any description of a blazing hot climate as "mild".

OK, now that's all, folks.

that's all, folks!

2009-07-24T08:44:00.001-04:00

colorado's rugged beauty boasts 51 peaks over 14,000 feet high

2009-07-24T08:43:00.001-04:00

iowa, symbol of corn belt is richest farm state

2009-07-21T06:02:00.002-04:00

just below the mason-dixon line, maryland blends north and south

2009-07-21T06:01:00.000-04:00

grand canyon is top scenic lure of arizona's sunland

2009-07-21T06:00:00.000-04:00

yellowstone park heads wyoming's list of nature's marvels

2009-07-19T12:10:00.000-04:00

ohio farms and industries are served by lake erie, ohio river

2009-07-19T12:07:00.002-04:00

indiana, the hoosier state, adds bustling industry to rural charm

2009-07-19T12:06:00.002-04:00

nevada matches 24-hour gambling and great scenic beauty

2009-07-16T10:08:00.003-04:00

glacier national park is one of montana's many wonders

2009-07-16T10:08:00.001-04:00

utah outranks all states in wonders of nature

2009-07-16T10:07:00.001-04:00

10,000 lakes, beautiful forests lure visitors to minnesota

2009-07-16T10:06:00.000-04:00

louisiana means plantations, bayous, and fabulous new orleans

2009-07-16T10:05:00.000-04:00

yosemite park heads the natural wonders of northern california

2009-07-13T19:25:00.002-04:00

michigan is world's auto center and vacationland of great lakes

2009-07-13T19:24:00.003-04:00

oklahoma possesses great riches, great capacity to enjoy them

2009-07-13T19:24:00.001-04:00

white sulphur is noted resort of "mountain state," west virginia

2009-07-09T17:04:00.002-04:00

deep-south tradition is strong in magnolia state of mississippi

2009-07-09T17:03:00.000-04:00

north dakota has unbounded plains, hills, colorful badlands

2009-07-09T17:01:00.003-04:00

crater lake and cascade range feature oregon's rugged grandeur

2009-07-08T06:01:00.001-04:00

a 20-million acre farmland, illinois also has great midwest metropolis

2009-07-07T05:21:00.001-04:00

southern california means hollywood, orange groves, coast and desert resorts

2009-07-06T16:44:00.001-04:00

lakes, waterfalls, green woods bless wisconsin's vacationland

2009-07-04T15:48:00.001-04:00

tennessee is known for smokies, t.v.a, andrew jackson, atom bomb

2009-07-04T15:47:00.002-04:00

"cornhusker state" of nebraska merges middle west with west

2009-07-04T15:45:00.001-04:00

check this out

2009-07-03T11:38:00.002-04:00

HAPPY 4TH!

It's also my dad's birthday!
And Jimenez'!
...

arkansas is home of hot springs, world famous spa

2009-07-03T07:43:00.002-04:00

south dakota is scene of famous black hills and mount rushmore

2009-07-02T05:56:00.001-04:00

alaska was not a state when around the usa in 1,000 pictures was published

2009-07-01T05:37:00.002-04:00

washington's bold features offer some of world's loveliest scenes

2009-06-30T06:06:00.001-04:00

finally

2009-06-29T20:16:00.002-04:00