30. If four blades is better than three, my new 30-blade razor will kick Schick's 4-blade razor's ass!


To celebrate the 30th Anniversiday of Pithy Posts, I am unveiling my New 30-Blade Skin-Tone® Pumpie Razor. I know you are going to want to order one immediately, but please be patient. They will be in the "impulse items" at the checkout lanes of stores all over North America, South America and the EU soon. Negotiations with Australia look promising. Terrorist sponsoring nations and Third World countries with no money, screw you.

Here's how the New 30-Blade Skin-Tone® Pumpie Razor. works!

The first twenty blades simply glide by the whisker and mind their own business. Three or four random blades may tip their hat, or nod agreeably as they pass by. The whisker thus becomes accustomed to blades gliding by, and no longer acts tense or guarded when blade #21 approaches.

Additionally, reconnaissanace is performed, and strategic information is is radioed back to blades 21 - 30 on a discreet blades-only frequency using a secret code that klannot klossibly kle klunderstood kly kle klisker.

Blade #21 glides by too - but quickly ducks behind the whisker and kneels like a dog.

Blade #22 suddenly pushes the whisker backwards. The whisker's knees fold as it hits Blade #21, disorienting and unbalancing the whisker.

As the whisker is trying to regain its composure, Blade #23 pulls the brim of the whisker's hat down over its eyes.

Blade #24 grabs the whisker and pulls it backward, pulling its tender roots up above the skin line.

Blade #25 cuts into and grabs the tender roots, pulling them still further up.

Blade #26 slices through the tender roots, and the whisker and the tender rots are dragged away, screaming. Doomed. No mercy is shown, no quarter given.

Blade #27 drops a tiny napalm bomb into the root cavity, cauterizing the wound and preventing any further follicular activity.

Blade #28 spackles over the hole with our patented Skin-Tone® Spackling Compound.

Blade #29 buffs and polishes the spackled area to a smooth lustre.

Blade #30 invokes a Gypsy Zombie Werewolf Curse on the whisker's entire ancestry and progeny. That whisker will never bother you again, even if you travel back in time!

I know you are excited. So am I!!!

14,970 to go.

7 comments:

HemlockMan said...

I may pass.

Chris_Garrison said...

That's deeply hilarious.

Rick Grimes said...

Sure to make shaving an even greater pleasure!! (Quoted from an unshaven source).

Jed said...

I've been missing the latest Jabberous posts because I figured you were posting all that stuff on Facebook. Lo and behold, I missed THIS!

A whole lot of funny! Is this vector with photoshop tweaks? Hows it done?

Mark Landman said...

But will it work on my legs?

BonzoGal said...

Poifect!

Emery Calame said...

Hmmm. This is way beyond my feeble 8-blade razor idea.

I was going to call it "the ocho" and say it gave you an ocho-smooth shave.

I once had an idea for a tennis shoe with light weight plastic hydraulic plates on the bottowm with tiny plastic shocks that attached them to the main shoe and then you could walk around bonuncing slightly on a gentle suspension like a car.