pumpie part 7

Walt Kelly: "Murder! Murder mos' fowl!" (note to skeptics: No, Walt Kelly was not actually there. I'm just relating the next thing I remember. We were all starving and under a lot of stress. I think it was actually Jim Lawson who said it, but in my mind... I can still see Kelly's finger pointing at me!)

Me: "He started it!"

Scott: "SEE? You all thought the gun was a weapon, but the innocent pump handle turned out to be the weapon!"

Eric: "Talk talk talk... When do we eat?!?"

I guess that's about it. Yesterday when I typed "Let's eat!" I was remembering how yummy those strips of Canadian bacon smelled sizzling over a candle flame, but today I'm not sure anybody who has not starved for 5 days will understand how I meant that as a compliment.

It was actually Gerhard of all people who first called me Sheriff Pump Handle. Over the next three days the name eventually shrank to Pumpie, Peter Laird finally found an exit from the labyrinth of underground caves he got lost in, and here we are today.

Our plan to get away with murder was this:

1. Act crazy and confused if/when we are rescued. Keep the press and the cops confused the first few hours.
2. All insist on going to Kevin's house immediately, which was only a few miles down the road.
3. Gerhard "and Dave" (actually Kevin's life-size Batman action figure in disguise) board Kevin's jetcopter and fly off to Canada.
4. In Canada, Gerhard hires another artist to get plastic surgery and assume the role of Dave.

The story you have just heard is true. Look at all the newspaper photos and TV footage from the rescue. I'll pay you a thousand dollars if you find a picture of Dave.

Now look at the 2 photos below. You can see how the plastic surgery is wearing off.



Why tell all of this now, after all these years?

When I first started writing this, I thought that the Truth must be told, whatever the cost. But now that I've spilled the beans, I KNOW that the truth must be told, and the truth is I'd rather people think of Sheriff Pump Handle than a freaking ketchup bottle when they hear the name Pumpie! It's all vanity. I had myself convinced it was all about the right thing to do and all that horseshit. But now I can see that it was all about ME ME ME.

The End.

I'll post a new Everything tomorrow.

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