paging dr. love

That's ME! Dr. Love! Come on, admit it - You've thrilled to the continuing soap opera as I've brought sworn enemies Jed and eeTeeD together without a single shot fired or a single drop of blood shed. You've marveled as that cold hatred you feel in your heart toward Condoleezza Rice has melted just a little, as I explained her true caring sexy nature.

Now bookmark this link, and follow along as I help this self-described fat loser find love and happiness! Cheer me on as I battle the haters and protect the hamster from their evil self-defeating mindsets! You can even JOIN IN and help me steer the outcome of this bold experiment toward success and ROMANCE!

What are you going to do with your life this week? Waste it watching yet another over-the-top bullshit superhero SFX movie? Or BE a superhero, and rescue the hamster from his own damn self?

You know the answer. The hamster calls. He calls for you.
Benny said:
Have you ever thought about how much you and Mr. Peabody "favor" (as they say in the South)?
See attachment under different "cover".

OK, first of all, that's Sherman I favor, NOT Mr. Peabody. Second of all, I favor my DAD so much in that photo it's eerie as hell. Third of all, when I was in about the 6th or 7th grade I'd meet my friends at Whumpus' house in the morning and we'd all ride to school with Whumpus' mom. Whumpus' neighbor had a dog named Tuffy and poor old Tuffy had some kind of dog VD or something and his penis looked like a rotting zombie penis. Everybody made fun of Tuffy except me. Being the sensitive animal lover that I am, and the dumbass that I was, I said something one day about how I didn't think it was funny and I felt sorry for Tuffy. From that day forward, every time Sherman and Mr. Peabody would go into the wayback machine while we were watching Rocky and Bullwinkle in the morning before school, Whumpus and Ferg and Monkey would all yell "THERE GOES MARK AND TUFFY, INTO THE LITTLE ROOM!!!" That's why this photo of my head on Sherman's body gives me the cold robbies!

So where's BLOGOPERA???

Sorry, I'll get back to it soon. Probably. I'm not sure. Can't right now. Sorry.


Benny said...

Hey! I KNOW the difference between Sherman and Mr. Peabody.
I just used Sherman's body because it was "convenient" and I liked the way one of you was looking at the other one of you.

Poor Tuffy.

SRBissette said...

Oh, man, that's a heartbreaker, Mark.

I mean about Ben so clumsily trying to cover his own ass with his maladroit post -- not about Mr. Tuffy. We should all be so lucky, having zombie peckers. It's an inevitable stage of the next leap in human evolution -- and Mr. Tuffy was their FIRST! And you were in the little room WITH HIM!

My deep loathing for Condi, though, has melted not a bit. In fact, I think my heart just hardened a little more.

greg said...

Yeah, I think Benny has a point. You look more like Mr. Peabody than Sherman. He may be a dog, but he wears glasses, a bowtie, and he talks.

Plus, his ears/pompadour combo favor the mullet you're sporting in your caricature.

Jed said...

I get the impression that the hamster feels as though he had to SETTLE for full figured gals, and I'm not sure what we're to conclude from his long litany of failed encounters--it didn't seem like the fact that things didn't work out had anything to do with the women's weight. Also, this guy needs to take some responsibility here! Hey, my own failures with women in the past have been largely because I fucked up. That's just the plain and simple truth of the matter. So many missed oportunities! Assert yourself, hamster!

And I will gladly attest to the fact that BBW (or as sometimes pluralized in defiance of good grammar, "BBWs"--Big Beautiful Womens?) are hot as all get-out! I'm married to one! I'm a serious and shameless chubby chaser! And I'll tell you, this body hating thing cuts both ways! I used to date a dancer, skinny as a rail, and she HATED her body.

I think a lot of guys are wannabe chubby chasing closet cases, but the high fashion aesthetic has imposed itself on what used to be, and what we all know to be sexy. Mae West people! Isn't voluptuousness like the definition of sexy? Fashion designers don't want women, they want human coat racks!

Check this out: This is probably my favorite sexy music video ever. Even though it has a little adult content warning thing, this is NOT PORN. For some reason MTV thought this was just a little too risque. The women in this video don't show any more skin than in any other MTV video, but they're full figured gals, and I think MTV objected to that more than anything else. There's no nudity, and it's entirely work safe. Watch it! You'll be glad you did!

In the end, excuses aren't going to get you laid, Hamster! No one is going to gift you with a hot girlfriend out of pity.

Jed said...

that last post mark: I need to cut and paste that baby into the Hamster's blog. He needs to be schooled!

Benny said...

Hey Greg! Thanks for getting my back.

But Pumpie has NEVER had a mullet. That particular hairdo was very "shaped". More like a "pageboy shag".

Oh. I guess that's just a euphemism for a mullet!


(Well, on second thought, at least he STILL HAS all of the lustrous hair of his youth. Possibly all the "mullet backlash" is linked to sour grapes on the part of the "lasshers". ??)

Marky Mark said...

When one says "Mr X looks like Mr Y" the accepted norm is to prove it by transposing Mr X's head onto Mr Y's body. Not onto the body NEXT TO Mr Y.

How come me and eeTeeD are the only ones squeegeeing the transfatty acids off of pinkhamster? Do we have to do EVERYthing?

I have always hated my hair. Stop picking on me.

Jed said...

Come on, people! Watch the video! Who's gonna rock with me!

Marky Mark said...

OK, I have a big problem with that video.

Kudos to them for smashing stereotypes with those sexy extremely humpable BBWs...

So why they gotta throw in that "8-inch easy-grip handle" graphic, and perpetuate the Ideal Male stereotype?

If they'd leave that out, and COMPLETELY change the music, they'd have a total winner there.

Pinkhamster said...

"squeegeeing the transfatty acids off of pinkhamster"

Freakin' hilarious! I guess I should stop rolling around in the McDonalds dumpster all day with my mouth open.

jed said...

I tried to post this on your blog approximately a
million times:

The music was ok. Not my favorite, but that's not
exactly the reason I like that video. I didn't
actually expect you to like the music.

And lighten up on the eight inch handle. Is that THAT much of a detracter? That's what you call satire! All that rediculously sexually explicit sounding hardware language is FUN. "2 inch easy-grip handle" doesn't quite get the message across. Its making FUN of the overt sexual language of advertising, it's not an endorsement of easy grip handles.

The thing is, in our culture, Tony Suprano is
considered more attractive than ---gasp--- a fat girl!

Whether or not he has an easy-grip handle is
immaterial. Thems the facts. The Hamster would be more attractive if he had more confidence. It's just easier to be fat if you're a guy.

Benny said...

1. I feel like an asshole after being twice berated about my malpositioning of your head on the cartoon. I'm sorry. thrice-berated. I didn't count Bissette's little "bon mot".

2. I couldn't watch the video because you have to "sign up" with YouTube to do it and you know how unsuccessful I am at "signing up" for shit. I "signed up" to be a blogger and it didn't work for posting. Oh, the name is there all right, it just won't work.

3. The Pinkhamster is probably way too cool for a lot of the women who rejected him. I will offer this advice: I have been fat all my life, and though I was able to land a fantastic wife, I had to meet her in the 11th grade and hold onto her for almost 40 years to do so.
However, the older I get, the more I realize that more women are attracted to a man with a sense of humor than any other feature he can have.
You need to get that devastating wit out of the case and take it out to show the girls!
And I mean, make that your main schtick, and let your negative self impression fall by the wayside.

Thank you.

James said...

So THAT'S why they kept going in the Wayback Machine... to get to a time BEFORE Mr. Peabody contracted rotting zombie penis!

Pinkhamster said...

Thanks, Benny! I'm glad you have that cool lady in your life.