stressed envelope


This envelope from one of the nation's most vile and persistent junk mailers is actually perfectly flat, clean and undamaged. All of the "stress" has been printed onto the envelope, including the faux detached corner of the faux label. See Exhibit B:


It's like that pre-dirtied clothing all the kids buy! But why? I assume a focus group somewhere responded more positively to a "beat up" envelope than to a clean one.

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17 comments:

Benny said...

It looks "more important" at the get-go. People are initially fooled, but even after they detect the trompe l'oeil, their first impression of "importantness" remains.

I guarantee it.

It's what happens when P'shop falls into the wrong hands.

eeTeeD said...

but there is a coupon inside for a free air-powered car!

HemlockMan said...

Not only do I get that crap in the mail, I also deliver that crap to people.

What do the great philosophers have to say about this situation?

Jed said...

I recently went to a pizza place called "Vito's" (apparently a chain) that served "authentic" New York pizza (that tasted like no New York pizza I've ever had). Anyway, it was a brand new franchise, and they had this sign that was also artificially distressed, with a "distressed" font for the menu choices, complete with eights that looked like they were half magic markered in. It made it harder to read, which might have been on purpose because their pizza was overpriced, and the rest of the sign looked like someone had taken a disk sander to it, but it was clearly all silkscreened on there. What the hell?

I imagine this is to give the impression of regionalism and hominess, so that despite better judgement, it's as if the place has been around for a while.

Whatever they're doing it's apparently working (even though they have only one size of pizza and no delivery) because the place always seems to be hopping. We went there and spent 16 bucks for two slices of pizza and two sodas, and my combo pizza (as in a combination of toppings) was sparsely topped. I could've gotten better pizza at Pizza Hut.

eeTeeD said...

did everybody vote?

what kind of voting machine do they use where you live?

as for jed, you should know that the world's best pizza is made up in the old forge region of pennsylvania. victory pig pizza in wyoming, pa being the very best pizza on earth.

if you want delicious pizza at a fair price, move back home.

HemlockMan said...

I voted. We have touch screen with visible paper trail. That is, you can see your vote printing as you press the "confirm" button. After which the ballot is contained in a large paper roll. I was quite pleased with this system.

Jed said...

I don't tend to get up to that area, Eeteed, but if I ever do I'll keep a look out for the Victory Pig.

And I voted absentee.

Even you, Mark, can't deny that after today the world population respects us more than it has in decades. Even the people that hate us, like us. Now, when we travel, we won't have to pretend to be Canadians any more. This is my Christmas.

eeTeeD said...

jed,
check out the photo on this site for a bit of nostalgia:

http://www.k0lee.com/vp.htm

Mark Martin said...

I voted for McCain, but I'm not freaked out about Obama winning. I'm painting an Obama EveryThing right now! He's my president too!

Voting method: I strolled into the local school, walked directly to the sign in table where the poll worker knew who I am, directly over to a booth to fill out my ballot, and directly to the signout table where where another poll worker knew who I am. 5 minutes tops. I love living in a small town!

Of course I can't deny that after today the world population respects us more than it has in decades. I'm not delusional, I won't argue with facts. I just don't give a shit what a bunch of holier-than-thou foreigners think. Pretend to be Canadian my ass. Any European that doesn't like the fact that I voted for somebody other than Obama can blow me.

Damn, I'm sick of being too busy to post properly. Will it ever end???

I hope to have the new Obama painting online Friday. Wish me luck!

eeTeeD said...

good luck

Jed said...

"Holier-than-thou foreigners"? There's more of them than there is of us. Billions more. At some point you have to concede that public opinion, for the most part, doesn't just involve the U.S. And why single out the Europeans? There are at least a couple of other continents to consider.

We're the most powerful nation in the world, and so the holier-than-thou foreigners have a lot of stock in the fate of this country. Everybody's not an interloper. This is the most diverse country in the world, so there's a little piece of everywhere else right here.

I could've guessed that you voted for McCain, and thank god there's a variety of opinion in this country. That's also what the rest of the world admires--someone from some place else may not agree with your decision but I'm sure they'd rather there be dissenting opinion in this country than a single unilateral opinion. I'd be a little scared if everyone in the country voted for Obama. It's a good thing this is a democratic country and not a totalitarian one.

Bush is one of the least popular presidents in history and made a lot of poor decisions. Since the majority of this country's voting population voted for him, we lost a little bit of our national dignity during his presidency. You don't have to be holier-than-thou to get that impression looking at us from the world stage.

McCain wasn't a strong candidate and wasn't the first choice of a good many people in the Republican party. Towards the end of his campaign he was already starting to back pedal on Palin, which shows how much confidence he eventually had in her.

The Democrats have had their share of weak candidates. I don't think Dukakis would've made a good president. Gore wasn't even Clinton's equal, let alone Obama's. Kerry could kindly be called, adequate. Even if you agreed with McCain ideologically, it's hard to argue against the fact that McCain was not a strong candidate.

We have a truly inspirational world leader in Obama who has proven himself throughout this campaign to be level-headed and a memorable and eloquent speaker. He's your president and mine and just as much as you, I hope he doesn't blow it.

And Eeteed: I appreciate that this is probably very good pizza, but I'm not really from that area, and I don't have any particular nostalgia for pizza from the East Coast. I do like that very greasy, very pliable New York Pizza, though. The stuff that folds up in your hand.

As for nostalgia, I'd have to say, pickled eggs with beats!

Mark Martin said...

Don't make me pull out the "bla bla bla"!

You're right about one thing though. Any African, South American, Middle Easterner, Asian, Canadian or Antarctican that doesn't like the fact that I voted for somebody other than Obama can blow me too.

Jed said...

Like getting blown, voting is a private act. These other imaginary folks won't know who you voted for unless you choose to share it with them, and if you do, then you are welcome to invite them to fellate you. That's your argument to have. More power to you. Bla bla bla.

So based on your firm belief in the right to be blown by anyone regardless of race gender or creed, I gather you disapprove of California's proposition 8?

I knew we could agree on something.

Jed said...

Uh, rereading that, it sounds pretty harsh. Just a poor attempt at humor that sounds much more like a dig than I intended. Impulsive move on my part.

Sorry about that Mark.

eeTeeD said...

jed,
i also am not from the old forge area, i was referring to general nostalgia.
also, you are indeed coming across as much too harsh towards mark martin.
the election is over. no more bickering.

Mark Martin said...

No problem! Seriously, I was just going to add Australia to the list of people who can blow me if they think I'm a redneck for thinking somebody is slightly less risky and obnoxious than Obama. I was not at all upset by Jed's bluster.

Who did I forget? Central Americans? Martians? Wandering Nomad Pirates? ALL of you, if you expect me to pretend I'm Canadian because you think Americans are racist meanie goons, look in the mirror and heal thyself.

Jim Woodring said...

One thing I realized realized from the election the extent to which those of us who suffered under the Bush presidency really suffered. I'll pause for you to scoff, Mark. It's true, though. Ask any one of us what it was like for us when Obama's presidency was announced. We felt a flood of ecstasy, the instantaneous release of an eight-year accumulation of fear, anger and shame. Yes, we danced in the streets all night, and so did much of the rest of the civilized world.
We were so worried about the election, so superstitious about our tiny flame of hope that up to an hour before the announcement, anyone who said, "I think Obama's got it" was shushed, told not to say such risky things.
I hate to say it but by being a Bush/McCain supporter you missed one of the great ecstatic/cathartic moments of our time.

The other thing I realized is how there are certain political beliefs so dangerous and immoral that I cannot shrug them off with an "Oh well, to each his own", and one of these is the belief that Sarah Palin would have made a good V.P. and probable P.

All the best,

J.W.